Thursday, July 6, 2017

Laws of the House



Filthy water dripped off the hulking figure standing in the doorway, the distant boom of thunder covering the hush that had fallen over the smoky common room of the Bent Penny. The stranger stood completely still for a moment and then shook himself like a dog, causing drops of water to fly everywhere. The five men near the fire hastily pulled their stools back as the stranger strode towards the hearth. Anyone with arms that thick and a huge sword strapped to his back, they reasoned, is due a few minutes warmth by himself. The innkeeper shuffled up to the hulking giant, crouching slightly and wringing his hands as if to preemptively placate the stranger.

“Could I offer you some mulled cider and some hot dinner…” he trailed off for a moment, struggling to think of some sufficiently respectful appellation before settling on “…sir?”

The muscled stranger grunted. Relieved, the innkeeper beckoned one of the serving boys over and told him to bring out a repast. Turning back to the giant, the innkeeper asked “Do you have a horse that needs tending, sir? And will you be staying the night? I’d imagine anyone would be glad to leave that storm.”

The stranger turned his head to glance at the innkeeper with a look of mingled haughtiness and contempt. “I have no horse. The paths I dare to tread are beyond the limits of any beast.” He turned towards the half empty room of suddenly immobile men, their faces awash with mingled fear and apprehension. The stranger cast his cloak into a crumpled heap against the far wall, revealing a huge, musclebound torso wrapped in thick leather armor. His aquiline nose and shoulder length black hair gave him an almost aristocratic quality that jarred against his rough attire and brawny figure.

“I am Caardyth, son of Karnoth. I have defeated the savage Lukrons of Ganleria, killed the dreaded troll king of the Jonton Mountains, and stolen the scintillating emerald of Ishtal from her temple on the Island of Shasa. No foe can resist my strength, cunning, and magic sword.” Caardyth glanced at the innkeeper and continued with disdain.

“I will remain here while I review my plans, means, and methods, collect intelligence, and see to my supplies. Tell your boy to keep my bowl, trencher, and tankard filled, for the road here is harsh, and it takes much to satisfy my appetites after a week’s adventure.”

He made this last pronouncement with a lascivious smile upon his face and a meaningful look at the young barmaid, who blushed deeply and looked away. The innkeeper scurried off to the kitchen as Caardyth strode over to one of the long tables in the middle of the room. The other men hastily made room for him on the bench.

Caardyth began to eat as soon as the serving boy set the platter of food in front of him, tearing chunks of bread off with his teeth and devouring whole roast potatoes in two huge mouthfuls. The other guests resumed their drinking and talking now that the barbarian seemed occupied, and the warm cheerful atmosphere that had ceased when Caardyth had walked in from the storm started to return. While he ate, Caardyth himself took no notice of anyone else except for the barmaid. Whenever she returned to refill his tankard, he would make his aims known with crude innuendo or pinchings.

Back in the kitchen, the innkeeper was critically inspecting a knobbly lump of cheese which was proffered to the serving boy as he stumbled in from the common room, covered in sweat. “Does this still smell good to you? I think it may be a little off, but I’m not sure.”

The serving boy shrugged. “I don’t think he’ll notice. He already ate the pie that you ruined without saying anything.”

The innkeeper raised his eyebrows. “Really?”

“I brought it our while you were getting sausages from the back. Didn’t say a thing, just shoveled it down with his hands.”

“I see. Well, I’ll just add this to the next pile for you to take out.”

The serving boy held up the wide board that acted as a serving tray while the innkeeper loaded it up with apples, sausages, and the suspect cheese. Just as he was about to leave the serving boy turned around. “By the way, Bridgett says she knows what you’re going to say, and she says you don’t need to say it, and she says she’s okay.”

The innkeeper paused for a moment while he worked out the layers of indirect statement. “She’s sure? We still have some nighmane, and if he ate the pie I doubt he’d notice if we spiked his drink.”

The serving boy nodded and blushed a little. “She says this one’s her favorite since Hrun the Avenger.”

The innkeeper raised his eyebrows again. “I will never understand that girl’s tastes, but if she wants to, I won’t do anything. Anyway, once he’s finished eating, go out and fetch Father Dumar. He should still be awake, but if you have to wake him and he’s in a bad mood, tell him we’ve got a lively one that needs some pacing.”

The serving boy nodded and bustled back into the common room.





Later that evening, after Caardyth had carried off a giggling Bridgett and the regulars had left, the serving boy returned leading a skinny, middle-aged man wrapped in a tattered cloak. The newcomer paused just inside the doorway to scrape the cloying mud off his boots and to hand his dripping cloak to the serving boy. The innkeeper bustled out of the kitchen with a plate of potatoes and a steaming tankard. He placed them down on the empty table, took a brief swipe at the uncovered surface with a damp rag, then moved over to the door to grab the new arrival in a brotherly embrace.

“It’s been too long, Father. Please, have something to eat. I’ve got a few odds and ends you can help me keep from going to waste.”

The other man chuckled good naturedly. “I very much doubt that if what young Robert tells me about your new guest is true. Be honest, Benjamin, you just take it upon yourself to act as wife and mother to all the unmarried men in town.”

The innkeeper laughed as he gestured towards the table. “Someone needs to make sure you get a nice hot meal every once in a while, and besides, Bridgett likes taking in mending. She says it gives her something to do on a slow night when it’s just two or three of my regulars.”

Father Dumar sat down at the table and drew a stiff leather tube off of his belt. He twisted its top off and pulled out a rolled parchment that he spread out on the table. He weighed down the corners with some coins from his pocket.

Benjamin sat down opposite him and peered at the unrolled parchment, which showed a map. The Bent Penny was a tiny labeled dot near the left edge, part of a cluster of dots near a crossroads. The land portrayed in the map looked rough and wild. Dots labeled as farms were few and scarce, nestled within the valleys between the skeins of mountain ridges. There were hundreds of other labeled dots, though, and hundreds of scrawled notes all in a multitude of colored inks. Some of these had been crossed out, but most were unblemished.

After he had finished off the potatoes, Father Dumar cleared his throat and looked up. “Before we start, you should tell me a little about this one. I’m guessing you didn’t receive a very detailed report before he showed up. Either that, or he’s completely unexpected. Otherwise you would have told me earlier that he was coming.”

Benjamin nodded. “Completely unexpected. He looks like the kind who doesn’t socialize a lot, so I’m not surprised Royce Tomson didn’t include him in the list when he came out to visit his daughter. Caardyth claims to have been to the Island of Shasa and survived, and his sword was definitely giving off a powerful aura when Rob took a reading earlier.”

He paused and leaned back, frowning slightly. “Personality wise, he seemed very much a loner and not one to seek comrades or help. Pretty determined and not impulsive, though. I get the feeling that he could be patient and thorough if he needs to be, and it certainly feels like he knows what he’s doing.” Benjamin chewed his lip for a moment. “I think that this one’s going to be potentially tricky, but if we’re careful and plan well it might just be the biggest break in twenty years.”

Father Dumar’s face crinkled into a broad smile. “Excellent. It will be nice to have a challenge again.” He took a long pull from his tankard and carefully patted his beard dry with his sleeve. “I have a few ideas to lead him in, but they all depend on why he’s here in the first place. I don’t suppose he mentioned what rumor brought him this way?”

Benjamin shook his head. “Didn’t say. He was mostly quiet while he ate and just proclaimed what he’d already done a little while after he came in. Bridgett should be able to tell us more in the morning.”

“I can’t say I approve of how she behaves with these types,” said Dumar, his lips pursed. “How can she expect to find a husband if she keeps lifting her skirts to every leather clad hero who walks through your door?”

“I’m not getting into this argument again,” said Benjamin. He held up a hand as Dumar started to speak again and continued, amicable but with steel in his eyes. “Frankly, if we’re clever and everyone does their job correctly, she could live comfortably off of her cut from Caardyth for a very long time. She doesn’t need a husband.”

“I suppose you’re right,” said Dumar grudgingly. “And I suppose it’s really none of my business, but I do worry for her. It’s hard being a foundling orphan. What would ever happen to her if something happened to you?”

Benjamin’s gaze softened. “I know you mean well. But she’s safe, and happy, and has a home here as long as she wants.” He gestured at the map spread out before them. “Let’s start before it gets too late. What are your ideas for this one?”





Tell me,” said Bridgett as she traced a finger around one of Caardyth’s massive pectorals, “what brings Caardyth son of Karnoth to this place? What heroic deeds of derring do will the songs say Caardyth has done when he as left?”

The corner of the barbarian’s mouth twitched. “You expect there will be songs about me before you even know my purpose?”

Bridgett continued drawing her finger over the hard lines that separated Caardyth’s well defined muscles. “Anyone who’s come back from the Island of Shasa has a glorious destiny ahead of them. Men like that don’t just travel for the coin or for the joy of the road. They have monsters they are fated to slay, and maidens they must rescue.” She illustrated this last statement by running her hand down her side in a sensuous manner. She sighed and drew the sheets higher up, shivering slightly as a gust of wind pushed a draft under the door.

Caardyth lay propped on his left elbow, gazing down on Bridgett, seemingly contented. After a moment he spoke.

“I have heard tales from traveling storytellers about the deeds of Velcerinor Elf-Blessed, who could tell a hawk from an eagle a mile away and could bring it down with a single shot from his great bow of horn and silk. They told of how Velcerinor journeyed among these very mountains, these Talons, and through their valleys for a year, and how after a year and a day he found the gates to the heart of the mountains. These he passed through, and when he reached the mountains’ heart he did battle a great and fierce serpent, slick with venom and whose scales were of hardened gold. When Velcerinor defeated his foe he returned and told of what he had done, and was made immortal through tale and song and legend.”

Bridgett smiled up at him dreamily. “And you want to see if you can do even better than Velcerinor? Everyone hears stories of Velcerinor growing up, but you want them to hear stories of you?” She gently squeezed his bicep.

“Of course,” laughed Caardyth, a booming, barking laugh. “There are many other stories of Velcerinor, but after the story of how he found the heart of the Talons, that is when he first achieves renown. Kings bid him to save their kingdoms once they hear of his might. He journeys to the elves and learns their magics and earns their esteem. If I want my stories to be told with the same awe and wonder, for kings and princes to beg my aid, then it seems I must journey into the Talons my self and win a place in the legends. Besides,” he said as a knowing smile slid across his face, “other tales, less fantastic and more recent, claim that there are still many horrific beasts and ancient treasures in the cracks and crannies of these mountains. If I fail to find my own Serpent of the Talons, then at least I should find glory and adventure in no small quantity.”

Bridgett leaned up and kissed his cheek. “I hope that my hero will return here when he has slain his beasts. He may need food, or rest, or for some lucky maid to tend to his…injuries.” She giggled.

Caardyth laughed again. “This place is a welcome respite in a hostile land, and it is not without its own draws. I must stay here a while, anyway, to gather intelligence and to condense plans from the vapor of rumor. But now I must rest, for forty miles in a single day is an ordeal for even one such as I, and I have had many such days since last I slept sheltered from the thunder, wind, and rain.”





The next morning found Bridgett gossiping with Benjamin in the kitchen as she tended the laundry and he scrubbed the floor. She had slipped out of Caardyth’s room early in the morning in order to start her chores for the day. Benjamin had helped her scrub out the heavy iron cauldron over the kitchen hearth before filling it with water and dirty clothes. It was easy to talk while cleaning, and the fire that boiled the laundry helped chase away the chilly fog that had crept under the door.

“I don’t think he’s after any thing in particular,” Bridgett said as the water started to boil. “He just talked a lot about mythology and wanting to have his own stories.”

“That’s it? Just stories?”

“I think so,” she replied. “You should hear the way he talks, it’s like he’s living in an epic poem. I got a little caught up in it and started talking about destiny and fate and things like that.”

Benjamin continued scrubbing the stone floor, only pausing to douse his brush periodically. “So you’re saying that he’s not in it for the treasure or the personal power or for vengeance or just for the killing? He didn’t hear about the Demrell necromancer and decide to steal his moonstones? I thought that might be it when he mentioned the eye of Ishtal.”

“You’re thinking about it wrong,” said Bridgett as she stirred the huge cauldron. “He may have heard about the necromancer, and he certainly wouldn’t turn down any treasure he found, but what he wants to do is wander around having adventures and for people to know about them, and he thinks this is the place he should do it. It’s kind of sweet, really.”

Benjamin stood up and stretched, wincing slightly at the pops in his knees and back. “Do you think he’s cut out for it? Does he have it in him to do something big enough for a lasting narrative with some subsequent arcs?”

Bridgett wiped her forehead with the hem of her skirt and continued stirring. She seemed to consider Benjamin’s question deeply as she worked the heavy washing dolly around. “I really do,” she said thoughtfully after a minute. “He’s certainly capable of it physically, I mean, he ran the whole way here from Collingwood in just six days, and he had to catch his own food. He’s practical like that. But it’s the way he thinks that makes me say he can do it.”

Benjamin paused as he was about to lift the kitchen broom off its hook and turned back to face Bridgett, incredulity plain on his face. “How he thinks? I’d gotten the impression he hadn’t got two thoughts to rub together.”

Bridgett lifted the washing dolly out of the cauldron and flicked it at Benjamin, splattering him with hot, soapy water. “Don’t be mean. He was rude when he came in last night because he’d had a long, hard journey and because he was trying to make a dramatic entrance. Wandering heroes who appear on dark and stormy nights get to be standoffish in the stories he told me.”

Benjamin brushed the suds off his shirt and started to sweep the dirty water out the back door. “He told you stories?”

“For at least an hour. He kept saying he was tired, but it was easy to get him to keep going. He started with Velcerinor and the Talons’ Serpent. I wanted to hear more, so I’d ask him about the Island of Shasa, or I’d ask if he knew the one about how Krinos won his sword of glass, and he’d tell it happily, with plenty of descriptions, sometimes in meter. I think he was secretly enjoying himself.”

The snort of laughter that erupted from Benjamin nearly caused him to choke. “How on earth could he be enjoying himself, lying naked in bed next to a pretty girl who kept asking him to talk about himself?” He quieted down when Bridgett turned a scowling eye in his direction.

“Stop it. I like him, and I think he’s got a real chance at an epic story, maybe even a folk hero tale or two.”

Benjamin had the decency to look abashed. “I’m sorry, I didn’t intend to insult either of you. You’ve helped fill in a lot of details that Father Dumar and I needed, and I’m grateful, and I’m happy that you’re happy and that you had a pleasant night.”

So the two of you have a plan?”

Benjamin waved his hand vaguely in the air. “We made some pieces of one, but a lot of it was guesswork and possibilities, and we didn’t try stringing it all together. I’ll fill him in once he comes over in the early afternoon. Do you know what your Caardyth plans on doing once he wakes up?”

Bridgett smiled. “He’s planning on staying for a few days. I think he’s going to spend today buying supplies, and then he’s going to listen to the old men talk when they come in here for dinner.”

“Good,” said Benjamin as he swept the last of the water out the back door. “I’ll send Rob around town to let people know he’s coming and what to expect. I can even put a few things in motion, now that you’ve told me what he’s after.” He hung the broom back up on its hook. “Let me know when you’re ready to wring out the clothes and we can use the water to scrub out the hearth. I need to go make a few calls and see if I can rustle up some more food for dinner tonight.”



“And so the traveler said, ‘If you will not turn back, I will give you my boots, for the road is long and weary. Their tread upon the ground is so slight that none shall hear your approach until you are close enough to steal the hat of their head.’ And Velcerinor thanked the stranger and continued on his way.”

Old Billium Gregor paused to take a pull from his beer and cast a quick eye around his audience. Nearly twenty men were seated in the Bent Penny’s common room. Some of them had even pulled the benches around him in a rough circle like children watching a puppet show. Billium took one last swallow of beer and set his tankard down on the table beside him. He took a few moments to wipe the droplets out of his scraggly beard and continued.

“Velcerinor returned to the king of the Stones and said ‘I would know what tests I must pass in order to win the favor of the stone folk, for their magic is essential to my quest.’ And the stone king said ‘Bring me a ghost spark from the marshes in the north, trapped in a lantern made without metal or glass.’”

As he gave the stone king’s speech, Billium leaned forward and lowered his voice. The already silent listeners held their breath, not daring to let the slightest noise cover Billium’s next words.

“Now, the stone king figured that nobody would ever agree to undertake such an impossible task. But Velcerinor agreed immediately. ‘By my name and my power, I will bring this to you ‘ere ten days have passed.’”

Billium tapped the side of his nose and grinned slyly. “The stone people guard their magic jealously, and the king had chosen a task that would surely thwart or kill even the most powerful warrior. But Velcerinor was crafty and unafraid. Once he had left the court of the stone king, he used his knife that was sharp enough to cut anything to slice sheets off of the diamond tooth he had stolen from the troll in the king’s cavern. He stuck the sheets together with pitch to make a sparkling box that was light as a soap bubble. When he had finished making this glittering cage, he journeyed to the edge of the northern marshes, where few travelers dared to venture for fear of the shifting, sucking mud. But Velcerinor gathered a sack full of wide, flat stones, which cast into the swamp. He then took out his magic flute and played a tune of such captivating loveliness that the stones stopped sinking in order to hear the beautiful melody. Stepping quickly upon the stones, he followed the path he had made into the heart of the marshes.”

Billium’s voice shrank to barely a whisper, and the crackle of the fire seemed deafening against the total silence of the rest of the room.

“Now, as everyone knows, ghost sparks are only found in the heart of the Talons, near water, and a man could live his entire life in the mountains and see a spark barely a handful of times. When you’re alone by a lake on a misty night, you might catch a glimmer in the corner of your eye, but if you so much as turn your head it vanishes into nothing. Some say the sparks are former servants of the dreaded Ilondra who have broken free and now hide from her gaze. Some say they’re spies of the river spirits traveling on secret business of their own. All I know is that such things are elusive and rare, and the king of the stones expected that Velcerinor would find the moon’s reflection easier to catch than a ghost spark.

“But Velcerinor wore the soft soled boots that the third traveler had given him, and when he had made his way into the heart of the swamp he stowed his magic flute and walked on submerged logs between the little islands in the water. He crept through the swamp making less noise than starlight. And so after he had trekked for many hours, he stumbled upon a ghost spark, bobbing quietly above the water. Quick as lightning he had it in his diamond box, and though the captured spark flitted against the side like a moth it remained trapped inside.

“When Velcerinor returned to his court, the stone king was at a loss, for he had never really expected such an outcome. He was very nearly tempted to have his guards attack Velcerinor and have them do away with this most troublesome guest. Velcerinor, guessing the king’s mind, proclaimed ‘I bind thee, monarch, eep to your word, and give me the reward that was promised to me, lest all know thee to be craven.’ So powerful and command was his voice that all those gathered trembled. And the stone king was much afraid, and did bless his guest as was promised.”

Billium drained his mug and leaned back in his chair, contented. The others in the common room sat still for a minute, basking in the glow of the fire and the end of the story. Then, from a dark, smoke filled corner-

“Tell me, grandfather, do the stone folk still dwell in their crystal caves?”

A scraggly redheaded farmer sitting at the bar snorted into his beer at the question. “Stone and sinew, don’t pay any attention to old Billium’s stories. He knows that the longer and more fantastic a tale he spins the more drinks he can get gullible idiots to buy for him to ‘whet his memory’.”

Billium growled and cast a wrathful eye at the farmer. “Don’t you go talking all disdainfully at me, boy. I’ve been farther into these mountains than anyone in living memory. Yer pappy and I got lost for two weeks in the deepest part of the Talons after we was snowed under while hunting, and if I hadn’t carried him out on my back after he’d broken his leg falling into a crevice you wouldn’t be here to doubt my wisdom! Go on and ask him if all the old stories are for gullible idiots, if you think you’re hard enough.”

The younger man flushed angrily and sank his head into his beer. Billium cleared his throat and proclaimed loftily, “There’s clearly some of the old magic still alive in the mountains. You’d need breadcrumbs for brains to deny that. The truth don’t always make a good story, and maybe there’s a few details that got ‘embellished’ over the years when passed from one storyteller to another. But these things I do know, from the evidence of my own eyes.” Billium’s voice grew softer and more intimate, and he seemed to be focusing on long ago and far away.

“I was out near the base of the Pinchers, looking for a particular kind of mushroom that you can dry and use to make broth good enough for a king to ask seconds when I heard a great snuffling and crashing. I scrambled up a tree fast as I could, and had just managed to reach the top when a bear walked into the clearing.” Billium gave an involuntary shudder. “I’ve seen bears before, even up close, and I’m not one to exaggerate what I see. But if that bear wasn’t fifteen feet tall, may all my beer turn to vinegar henceforth. It was walking on its hind legs, jerking and twitching as it moved like it didn’t know how to move itself right. Oh, and it was glowing green.”

Billium nodded at this point. “Not like someone had painted it green, but it’s eyes were like dark river weed, and everything around it looked like you were staring through bottle glass. It walked right past my tree without even stopping, walked right out of the clearing as fast as it had walked in, but I stayed in that tree for a long time before I dared climb down.”

Caardyth rose from his seat in the corner, looming suddenly like a mountain ridge forming at the intersection of two particularly frisky colliding tectonic plates. He strode over to Billium slowly but purposefully. As he reached the old man he cast a small bag onto the table with the solid ‘clink’ of gold coins hitting wood. “What other things have you seen in the mountains, grandfather? Where did you see them? What can else can you tell me?”

Billium exhaled slowly, the air whistling out between his front teeth, his eyes fixed on the bag of coins in front of him. “Stone and sinew, you certainly know how to show respect for your elders. Pull up a chair, and I’ll see if I can wrestle a few more memories out of this old head of mine.”



The sun rose slowly, casting a cool glow through the morning mist. Caardyth had already awakened and was busy cooking his breakfast in the embers of his campfire. He had penetrated deep into the forest near the meeting point of the two sweeping, curved mountain ridges known as the pinchers. The past four days had been full of fruitless searching, but it was clear that there was something unnatural about the place. The most obvious was the grey, chilly mist that clung to everything and failed to disperse even in the glare of the afternoon sun. There was also the noise Caardyth had heard when he had been about to make camp on his first night in the mountains.

A gibbous moon had just been rising when Caardyth had started building his fire next to a small, rocky stream when the sound broke the stillness of the night. It was as if a giant, inch thick sheet of iron was being raggedly torn in half. Even after it had stopped, the echoes seemed to persist long after they should have died out. Caardyth was not a man easily frightened, but even he had been unnerved. Unnerved, but also undaunted.

Before the noise had completely died out, Caardyth had marked an arrow in the dirt pointing in the direction the sound seemed to have come from. The next morning he had set out to investigate. He found nothing except for a mass of churned earth with long, deep furrows. The location of the furrows was then added and carefully annotated on the creased, wrinkled, yellowing map that Caardyth had been given by old man Billium himself.



Hello again. It's been a while, partly because this particular story was getting longer and longer and just would not wrap up, but also partly for boring overhead other-thing-going-on-in-my-life reasons. As you may be able to tell, this story also just kind of ends incompletely. I know exactly where it's supposed to go, how it ends, and how it gets there, but I'm having trouble with the climactic scene in the mountains. I may work at it backwards from the resolution and penultimate scene and then just sort of hope that the climactic scene falls out naturally.
In any case, this story is something I've wanted to do for a while as part of a deconstruction of the pulp-fantasy/sword and sorcery subgenre. Everyone in those stories takes themselves and the world around them too seriously, and I can never help but feel that someone somewhere is laughing into their sleeves at the whole melodramatic mishegas. 

Stylistic and thematic inspirations include The Name of Wind, whose style I riffed off of a bit especially; Terry Pratchett's Discworld, particularly the earlier works (Color of Magic, Light Fantastic) that also feel like they're poking fun at bad fantasy writing; Korgoth of Barbaria; The Last Unicorn; Conan the Barbarian; Fafhrd and the Gray Mouser; and the cheesy but fun title track off the eponymous EP by an incredibly obscure 80's metal band called Medieval Steel.

I'm also working on something longer that I hope is going to be a lot of fun. It's going to be quite a bit longer, possibly in the novella length. There's a lot of research I need to do for it, and I'm not sure how to achieve certain effects just with the writing. It's going to be a fair bit more challenging that anything I've written so far, and it's going to be a long while before I post any part of it. I may do smaller stuff in the meanwhile as particular writing exercises, and I do hope to finish Laws of the House at some point, but there is just so much to do.

Saturday, April 1, 2017

Forking a New Writing Process


Working on something longer that isn't quite finished, but I'd like to post something that I just whipped up about the evolution of my writing process.



I’ve been working on various writing projects for a while, and I’ve finally come up with a writing process that works for me. This is actually something that I discovered completely by accident when I was in Vancouver for a week in June, back in 2016. This was the slightly strange start of an adventure in Indonesia that included climbing a 2900 meter volcano, nearly being washed out to sea in a rainforest, nearly being washed out to sea in a hotel in a beach resort town in Western Java, and nearly being put on dialysis after I contracted leptospirosis and my kidneys started shutting down. The night before I flew out to Vancouver, I had a very strange, very vivid dream. The visual details aren’t important, but as soon as I woke up on my friend Marc’s couch I knew that I had to write down the details of this dream before it was lost in the rush of traveling. I’d left my laptop and nearly all my possessions in storage in Santa Clara, and typing in several thousand words on a smartphone had no great appeal to me. Fortunately, I did have a cheap cardboard notebook and a few pens, as I wanted to keep a travelogue in Indonesia. After I’d gotten on the plane in San Francisco, I started jotting down notes and extraneous details, making sure I got the bones of the dream before I started transcribing it in anything approaching a coherent manner. As this happened, the dream sequence shifted subtly from being just a vivid scene into being the beginning of a story, one that I quickly outlined in broad strokes. After that, the whole sequence just flowed from my brain through my fingers and onto the page. I only stopped when I had to get off the plane, and started up again while I was waiting in YVR airport for the customs and immigration people to process me. I managed to keep up the flow for several hours and took down thirty five (pocket sized, to be fair) pages before the flow ran out. During the rest of my trip I would occasionally reread what I had written, and I was a little shocked. The scenes in my notebook had action and direction, the characters in it were vivid and three dimensional. This was a little unnerving. My previous attempts at storytelling had been less successful. I had previously had to force myself to turn keypresses into story content, and I had had to rewrite and revise multiple times before I was left with anything good. After some pondering I came up with some plausible reasons why my hastily scribbled dream transcriptions had come easier than anything I’d done before.
The most obvious is the distraction factor of having a computer. The barrier of distraction is fairly low with a laptop, as it’s almost an unconscious reflex to be writing and then switch to a browser and goof around a little. A related distraction is choosing what software you use. Do you use Word? Notepad? Sticky? Whatever choice you make affects how easy it is to do revision and segmentation. My primary set of tools had been emacs, LaTex, and GNU Make. I kid you not: I would hand code LaTex files in emacs with one chapter per file and had a makefile that would turn each LaTex file into a standalone pdf and combine all the chapters into a single pdf for the whole work. I admit this is kind of cool, and may wind up being helpful if I ever get the impetus back to work on longer fiction, but the distraction factor was still high even when I was working on the book proper. I would be writing about a shootout and then want to compile the chapter to check on formatting, and I would get annoyed with the idiosyncrasies of the makefile. “It’s just a few minutes of fiddling with Make,” I would reason. “I’m just clearing up an inefficiency in my toolchain. It’ll save time in the long run.” And then I would spend a happy two hours reading the GNU Make documentation, or trying to coerce CMake/Ninja into filling my needs, or running experiments to figure out how to make ellipses in LaTex, or adding lines and packages to my dot emacs, or whatever, and I would get no actual writing done.
After I had drifted on to other projects, I eventually came to a realization. Dicking around with tools is just that: dicking around with tools. In the short term, and definitely until I can write with any kind of quality and discipline and consistency, it is more important to get my words onto a non-volatile medium of some kind than it is to have an infrastructure for that medium. This is the same issue that people starting new software projects occasionally have. They start dicking around with the build system, or with the toolchain, or with frameworks, or with containers, or whatever, and they never actually wind up writing any software. I still plan on using my (rather clever, I must admit) LaTex/makefile setup when I return to longer fiction, but only after I’ve done a first draft for each chapter with a pen and paper.
There’s something about the physical act of writing that is enormously conducive to the creative humors. This isn’t really surprising, as many people like to doodle or fiddle with their hands while they think. It’s not really any slower, for me at least, as the speed that I lose by using a pen and paper instead of typing is more than made up for by the increased idea flux. I can write for longer and have better and more ideas when I’m in a pen and paper groove. Having a physical piece of paper on which I must place words encourages me to get something out and not futz with it forever. I can cross out something that doesn’t work, but it’s harder to do endless rewrites of the same phrase. Transcribing from paper to keyboard also gives my writing two passes through my creative pipeline. I can do better live editing when I’m transcribing from a notebook than if I’m trying to fix something that’s already been typed up.
Several years ago, I stumbled across Heinlein’s rules of writing on Robert J. Sawyer’s blog. I’ve never found out where they originally came from (clearly Heinlein, but I mean whether a lecture or an essay or something else) but given that he won four live and five posthumous Hugos for best novel, he was clearly qualified to posit some rules about writing, and the origin of these rules is merely an academic curiosity. The point being, Heinlein’s first rule of writing is that you must write. To that end, any part of your writing process that assists your writing is beneficial, and anything that slows or distracts your writing is detrimental. I don’t intend to write for a living, but there are stories that I want to tell, and a creative muscle that I want to flex. Anything that helps with those goals is worth pursuing.

Monday, March 6, 2017

New Baptized


“I’m just not sure it’s the right thing for the channel to do,” said Clarence.
Hindemyth exhaled slowly. “Clarence, I understand your position, I really do, but you don’t seem to appreciate the bigger picture. As a for profit channel, we are ultimately beholden to our investors. We make a profit by selling advertising, and we attract advertisers by showing high viewership on prime slots. And the ratings have shown that our current program is popular enough to merit continuation. Everything else, everything, is secondary. Is that clear?”
Clarence sighed. He’d had to pester Hindemyth’s secretary for over a month in order to arrange this meeting, a whole month that was starting to feel like completely wasted effort.
I understand that, sir, I really do. But I believe the board is missing out on an opportunity that we are uniquely situated to exploit. There’s a lot of potential in some key demographics for the kind of programming I’m suggesting.
Hindemyth stared at him for a second and then let out a wheezing chuckle.
“Spent a long time practicing that, didn’t you?”
Clarence had the decency to look chagrinned. “I’m just trying to make sure the board gives it due consideration.” He opened the manilla folder that he’d been holding and passed Hindemyth a few slightly folded sheets. “Take a look at these figures. The people who grew up during the first Star Trek are now middle aged. There’s been a reasonably steady stream of wide appeal films and movies since then, in particular Star Wars, Terminator, and the Next Generation, all of which were well received by this group as it aged.” Clarence reached out to take the papers back and then handed Hindemyth another sheet. “In addition, these franchises have been well received by younger viewers who were new to the genre, indicating that they have long term appeal. In any case, the older audience is starting to have families and children.” He reached out to tap a line graph on one of the sheets in Hindemyth’s hand. “Finally, this target group tends to have an above average income and spends a larger percentage of it on tie-in merchandise. If you’ve ever been to the Star Trek conventions, you know the sort of thing I’m talking about, and I can assure you it’s not just anecdotal.”
Clarence performed the exchange a third time. He finally felt composed and in control, and he wanted to provide final pitch while he was still riding the feeling. I’m aware that this demographic is comparatively small, not in the tens of millions of viewers range, but they tend to display fierce loyalty to shows and franchises that they like, and I’m sure that their numbers, viewing habits, and behavior fully justify the risk.”
Neither Clarence nor Hindemyth moved or spoke for a minute. Then Hindemyth nodded slowly. “I see. So do you have any specific ideas for new shows to finance? Do you think we should try to negotiate rights to some existing franchises, or do you have any promising new series in mind? What about directors?”
Hindemyth’s mouth twitched into a brief smile at the look of muted surprise on Clarence’s face. “What? I see a well thought out, well argued, well researched proposal that’s been pitched by a dedicated and passionate employee.”
Thank you,” Clarence said, utterly flabbergasted. “It’s just…well, given our programming over the last few years, and you kept putting off this meeting, and…I just expected your reaction to be more-”
“Idiotic?” Suggested Hindemyth, the laughter lines around his eyes becoming more pronounced as his smile widened.
“I was going to say ‘conservative and risk averse’”, admitted Clarence, laughing as his nervous tension drained away. “I honestly didn’t expect such a positive response from anyone on the board, not without more persuading.”
Hindemyth chuckled briefly. “If our programming has been…how were you going to put it, ‘conservative and risk averse,’ over the last few years, then the audience your research shows is probably rabid for something new.” Hindemyth’s smile grew impish, and he waved his finger admonishingly at Clarence. “I can’t promise that the rest of the board is going to be so easy to persuade, but I can guarantee you’ll get a chance to give them the same pitch you gave me.”
Clarence’s face was a mixture of shock and relief. “Thank you very much, Mr. Hindemyth. I swear you and the rest of the board won’t regret this.”
Hindemyth patted Clarence on the shoulder and started walking towards his office door, motioning for Clarence to follow. “If you can also do a quick rundown on some IP that would be a likely hit, it’ll add a nice finish to your presentation. I’m not saying we’d use any of your proposals, but it’s a way to seem proactive and primes the pump for discussion.” Hindemyth gave Clarence an avuncular wink. “Trust me, I know how they think.”
Clarence beamed. “Thank you. I really think that this will be a reinvigoration for the network.”
“I’ll let you know when I can arrange a meeting with the other executives,” assured Hindemyth. “Probably around the end of the month.”
Hindemyth glanced briefly into the cramped vestibule just outside his office. “Ah, Miss Phelps, could you cancel my appointments for the rest of the afternoon? Also, get in touch with Paul Thomas and tell him I’d like to see him at his earliest convenience tomorrow.”
Miss Phelps glanced at the two men uninterestedly and then twisted back to the screen of her laptop, corkscrew curls bouncing off her cheeks. “You just had a four o’clock meeting with Mr. Wilson,” she announced to Hindemyth. “Shall I get him to reschedule?”
Please,” said Hindemyth.
Clarence walked out, still dazed by Hindemyth’s positive response. He walked back to his desk awash in a mixture of joy and anticipation. It was happening! He’d dig up a few of the ideas for shows he’d had lying around, see if there was anything he could use, draft a letter to Rick Berman and another to George Lucas. The possibilities were endless.
Back in his office, Hindemyth carefully closed and locked the door. As soon as the bolt slid into place he removed a small, black, cigar shaped device from the breast pocket of his suit jacket. Shaking slightly, he held out the iridescent cylinder in front of him in both hands and twisted it. A soft, deep red light pulsed from either end, and a pinkish membrane seemed to envelope him, distorting the room beyond all recognition. The distortion cleared slowly, revealing a much larger room made entirely of black marble. Graceful columns lined a central atrium, vanishing into the impossibly high ceiling they supported.
A robed figure stood on a metal dais at the center of the room, raising three pairs of multijointed arms upwards to point and slide across a dizzying array of projected images. Cryptic columns of glyphs appeared briefly and then were subsumed in the constantly shifting collage. Hindemyth approached the dais and dropped to one knee, gazing down respectfully. After a few seconds the figure banished the flickering figures with a casual gesture and turned its electric blue gaze upon Hindemyth.
Report, kashal.”
Hindemyth swallowed briefly, disturbed as always by the faint hissing of the voice. “Hierarch, the ideological priming of Earth is in jeopardy. The natives are proving resistant to attempts to deprogram them of speculation and imagination.”
The Hierarch continued to gaze at Hindemyth, unmoving and silent. Hindemyth plunged on. “On four separate occasions since my last report, unconverted underlings have approached me with requests to develop new science fiction series to be distributed. I have dealt with each incident, and in each case I am certain that their contamination did not spread, but the situation is unsustainable. Too many repurposed drones will draw suspicion, and it is only a matter of time before another network is approached, one not under our control.”
The cloaked figure turned away from Hindemyth abruptly and uttered an inhuman sequence of hisses and clicks. Several luminous charts materialized in the air above the dais, catching motes of dust in beams of light. With a wave of one hand the Hierarch moved one of the charts so that it Hindemyth could see it as a background to the six armed figure. “Your infallible countermeasure, of which you spoke so highly in your last report, seem to have been thoroughly ineffective. Your new figures show strongly increased interest in speculative fiction and science. And yet, you do not draw attention to your failings, nor do you make excuses. You refrain most carefully from whining and from taking responsibility for the situation.”
Hindemyth lifted his head partway. “My lord, I-”
“Silence.”
Hindemyth’s protest died, frozen in his mouth. The Hierarch had not shouted, or spoken particularly forcefully, but Hindemyth felt the weight of disapproval in that one word.
The robed figure continued as if nothing had happened. “The Black Council expects more from one of your rank, kashal, especially given the resources you have been allocated.” The projected graph behind the Hierarch flickered and disappeared, causing the ambient gloom to wash over the dais and its skeletal occupant. “You will be given one more chance to prove yourself. This project is too important, however, to merely trust that you will finally produce results. Contact cultural engineer Quazjon. She happens to be good at her job. You will inform her of your situation and accept any guidance she sees fit to give you.”
The Hierarch paused, seeming to savor its next words. “If, after you have been given every opportunity to prove yourself, this planet continues to spawn instances of scientific speculation, then the Canton of Supremacy will be fully justified in terminating your commission. With full prejudice, I might add.”
Hindemyth gulped. “I shall consult ‘gineer Quazjon directly, my lord. I fully expect to bring news of cultural speculation decline in my next report.”
“See that you do. Correct, factual news. We will be monitoring your situation most closely.”
Bowing as he rose to his feet, Hindemyth twisted the cigar shaped device the other way. The pink, distorting membrane reappeared and then subsided again, leaving him in his office on Earth. Hindemyth took a moment to steady himself against his desk, his eyes flicking around the walls covered in faded Star Trek posters. The sick headache washing over him was only partly due to his use of the utraspace relay. The Hierarch always seemed to know exactly what he was thinking. It was deeply unnerving how the cold eyes beneath the hooded robe seemed to peel away layers of deception, implication, and misdirection to find reveal exactly what he did not want revealed.
Hindemyth did his best to drown his fears with determination and anger. The Hierarch may have ordered him to seek assistance from a senior cultural engineer, but he still had a few moves to make before begging for help. It was a gamble, but if he could demonstrate to ‘gineer Quazjon that he had regained control of the situation, then his advancement would be secure. Wheels merely needed to be set in motion.
Walking briskly to the door, Hindemyth stuck his head out and scanned the room briefly.
“Ah, Miss Phelps, goood. Could you please set up a meeting early next week with Aaron Katz, Jake Dunham, and Meredith Erickson to flesh out some ideas for alien themed wrestlers? And take a memo to be circulated to the other board members about the new targeted branding research. Let them know we may have to change the name of the channel.”
Miss Phelps looked up in a startled flurry of blonde hair, knocking over a pencil cup. “Change the name of the channel, Mr. Hindemyth?”
“I’m afraid so,” said Hindemyth firmly. “’Sci-Fi channel’ just doesn’t pop.”



This is a story that got started when I mentioned to a disbelieving friend that the Sci-Fi SyFy channel had done a lot of pro-wrestling and made for TV horror movies. I suggested that this was due to alien brain parasites, which got me thinking about the methods alien invaders would use to soften us up for overthrow. I had a whole lot of fun trying to imitate bad space opera and got a chance to try some dialogue.

Monday, February 13, 2017

A Kurt Nod

I wrote this as a writing exercise in doing natural exposition and characterization. The ending isn't finished, although I still mean to come back and complete it to really wrap up the learning experience. The setting and characters are heavily, heavily based off of Kurt quo vadis? by Erlend Loe, which I read when I was learning Norwegian. It's a charming book, and a lot of the imagery stuck with me.

An Introduction

A friend of mine from university, who has the truly annoying habit of talking people into doing really cool and horizon-broadening things that they end up enjoying a lot, has been trying to get everyone he knows to start a blog. I've decided to follow his advice for a few reasons.
  1. He can be very persuasive to people he already knows and whose levers he knows. This may sound manipulative and evil, but it really isn't. In my case, he just tends to pose things as challenges and compare them to things that I care about. "Learning Chinese characters is really just like figuring out the command line." "Running your own startup is a huge learning experience and engineering challenge." Things like that.
  2. I'm trying to create more than I consume, and a blog is a conspicuous and externally verifiable means of doing so. This is part of an ongoing self improvement thing that has its roots in some personal things that happened over the last couple of years.
  3. I have things that I want to say. There are a skills and areas of expertise that I've managed to cultivate, and I think that I have constructive things to contribute.
  4. A blog can be a useful platform for building experience as a writer. I read a lot of science fiction, which has given me a lot of material to steal from use to cultivate interests and ideas that I want to try out. Occasionally, I have thrown down a book in disgust and shouted "Come on! I could do better than that. That's a {total break of character, half-assed deus ex machina, really tedious and boring plot, etc.}" So yeah. There are some stories that I've been playing around with, and a few neat twists. Most of what I would be posting here would be writing exercises or cutting-room floor type material, as I want to hold onto anything good until it's nice and polished.
I may post the occasional piece about various other interests of mine or the occasional travelogue, but most of the content is probably going to be story related.

Technical digression: I'm setting this up via blogger because I'm lazy and cheap and paranoid and don't want to bother running my own webserver or paying for something I don't need yet. I may move to a better host at some point, but I'd like to see if I can keep this going for any length of time before I try to do anything that involves configuring the security nightmare that is wordpress.